General Wonderment

Sometimes, on my walks or runs or bike rides, I think of really wonderful things to blog about. I mean, I would like to start blogging about something worth someone's time... but all I have seemed to blog about so far is a bunch of general wonderings that are on my mind... 

I felt the need to post something because I like the idea of a blog... but I struggle so much with having one...

Y'see... I want a blog because I think it's pretty ... shall I say... what is the word for liking something before it was cool? Oh! Hipster! 

I think it's "hipster" because I feel that everyone will eventually get into blogging... and I think they should. I think bloggers should try to be themselves as much as possible on their blogs... though I know that might not happen. 

I hesitate and struggle to blog often because, even though I only have one follower, I still am terrified of what people will think of me... I want people to see my "wonderings" and my thoughts and think "Wow, she is mighty mature for her age." or "My goodness she has a lot of faith." or "She is a talented writer... even on a computer" or "That was an inspiring, intellectual, and encouraging thought."

And I cannot live up to all of those expectations. The sad part is... they are expectations for and FROM myself. I expect so much more from myself than I can give. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of not being the person I so badly want to be. I want to be secure in God's love because I know then I will find true joy in Him and true life in Him. I have prayed and strived for understanding of his love for a long time... and I won't stop... I just... wish ... life, decisions, relationships, love, life, jobs, days, life, people, school, and life were "easier" sometimes.