Smiling

Last night....

I walked upstairs after I had decided to be done studying for the day and I had the hugest smile on my face because studying was going really well.

My mom said, "Whoa... what's wrong?"

And I said, "What?"

And then she said that she hadn't seen my smile in a long time... just my stressed face. And I was pretty disappointed in myself.

Yes, college is stressful, especially at midterm times... but when did I decide that I wanted to be stressed instead of joyful? 

I hate that I take school so seriously that it changes my mood. I work very hard to get the marks I do, and I'm proud of myself.

I'm thankful that God has blessed me with discipline, a good memory, and initiative... but I don't want my academic life to define me. 

That's the other thing that stresses me out... that I will fail at college... if that happened I'm afraid that I wouldn't know who I was anymore. And I don't like that. 

I want to know that God will love me no matter what, but I'm still learning that...

Anyway... all I can do right now while learning about God and School and Life...

Is keep living in the Joy of the Lord. Because He's always there... and He's so faithful. 

General Wonderment

Sometimes, on my walks or runs or bike rides, I think of really wonderful things to blog about. I mean, I would like to start blogging about something worth someone's time... but all I have seemed to blog about so far is a bunch of general wonderings that are on my mind... 

I felt the need to post something because I like the idea of a blog... but I struggle so much with having one...

Y'see... I want a blog because I think it's pretty ... shall I say... what is the word for liking something before it was cool? Oh! Hipster! 

I think it's "hipster" because I feel that everyone will eventually get into blogging... and I think they should. I think bloggers should try to be themselves as much as possible on their blogs... though I know that might not happen. 

I hesitate and struggle to blog often because, even though I only have one follower, I still am terrified of what people will think of me... I want people to see my "wonderings" and my thoughts and think "Wow, she is mighty mature for her age." or "My goodness she has a lot of faith." or "She is a talented writer... even on a computer" or "That was an inspiring, intellectual, and encouraging thought."

And I cannot live up to all of those expectations. The sad part is... they are expectations for and FROM myself. I expect so much more from myself than I can give. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of not being the person I so badly want to be. I want to be secure in God's love because I know then I will find true joy in Him and true life in Him. I have prayed and strived for understanding of his love for a long time... and I won't stop... I just... wish ... life, decisions, relationships, love, life, jobs, days, life, people, school, and life were "easier" sometimes. 

Truly Want

Today was my day off. I slept till 12 even though I had a lunch date with my mom and auntie and cousin at 12. I'm so so tired all the time now. Working full time is no easy life... but it's been good. I don't know what the point of this entry is. I wish sometimes it were easier to figure out yourself. I wish I knew what I loved to do. I wish I knew what I wanted in life. I wish I knew myself as well as God knows me. I wish I knew God better in fact. Sometimes... I feel so sad because I want so much, and I know I can't be or have those things until I focus on God, but I want to take the fast easy route... I want him to just hit me from behind and give me everything I want in a moment's notice. But I know that's not how He works. For now I just have to pray that he will give me understanding of his love... and a yearning for Him. That's all that matters and really, that's all I truly want.

Inspiration

Inspiration. In the words of Miley Cyrus "everybody needs inspiration..." I watched a movie last night where the woman tells the man she's in love with that He inspires her... how romantic... how creative... how impossibly wonderful. This past year I had the privilege to go to Bible school. It was in one word inspirational. There are too many people that inspired me to name. But let's just say everyone inspired me... now I'm thinking... maybe that was because they were so filled with God's love... was it God's love that dwelled in them that inspired me. Wow... maybe. Maybe maybe maybe. When I look at the people who I grew to know and love and think about the different ways they have impacted and inspired my life, I think that I can only pray that I can inspire someone one day like they inspired me... but maybe all it takes is letting the love of God fill me. Maybe I just have to focus on him in everything I do... focus on Jesus... be filled with love... be inspired and be inspiration. Wow... God is good.

Reality...?

Sooo reality. What is it anyway. Well, I know what it is... I just don't know why I have to participate in it. Would life not be more fun if reality wasn't real? Would it not be more relaxing if we ignored reality... perhaps yes, but then we would miss our entire lives. Reality is reality so that we live IN it... not ignore it. It's harsh, but it's real, and we must engage in it.

Curiosity and Originality

Along with being imperfect, I am also quite curious. For example, the other day I looked up on Youtube "How it's made: Mirrors" And now I know how mirrors are made. A few months ago I decided that blogging would be a rather gratifying and entertaining experience, so I came up with a blog name and outline and then never blogged. Today is April 25, 2012, and I am blogging for the first time. Now... do you know what a blog is? I didn't know exactly either (see, curious) and so I decided to Wikipedia the definition:

A blog (a portmanteau of the term web log) is a personal journal published on the World Wide Web consisting of discrete entries ("posts") typically displayed in reverse chronological order so the most recent post appears first. Blogs are usually the work of a single individual, occasionally of a small group, and often are themed on a single subject. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blog)

So now that we all know what a blog is... how does one go about writing one that is actually popular and not pointless or boring or useless? How do I keep a blog from being boring and how do I keep myself from acting like someone I'm not? 

Originality. As I have been thinking about this word for the past few minutes, I have grown to dislike it... y'see originality causes us all a problem... especially bloggers... what ON EARTH is there left to blog about? Nothing really I'd say... hair blogs are no longer original, fashion blogs are no longer original, family blogs are no longer original, and redhead bloggers are definitely no longer original. I am not the only creative, young red head out there longing for my thoughts to be heard... no, no, double no. 

So... is originality the point still? Maybe... maybe not... maybe the point is to be who I am and let the world decide for itself whether it will care about my thoughts or not... maybe I need to be me regardless of what others think or say... maybe being me is the most original I can be.